Part Three: The Gathering Storm

Colin, frustrated with the ineptness of the local authorities in locating Janice, decides that if something is to be done that he must do it himself. Steeling his nerves and nodding his head with the knowledge of what he must do, he sees his course of action laid out before him like rows of wheat fields from a small aircraft. He knows the danger, and he knows that Carl is a dangerous man who will stop at nothing to complete his twisted mission. But he also knows what the full impact will be on dozens of lives if Janice is not back by monday to make the coffee. He knows there will be no turning back, and with trembling hands and hurried breathing, he turns on the Weather Channel..........

Ah yes, the Weather Channel. That mighty monolith of meticulous meteorological manifestations that we have all grown to love and hate.

Ok, mostly hate.

I watch this thing, and sometimes I am so horrified that I can't tear myself away from it. The hours will roll by and even though I am "busy" doing other things around the house, the Weather Channel, on certain days, is my companion.

It "them olden days" it was easy. If you wanted to know the weather you had to try to catch the forecast on the local news, roughly 20 minutes into the 30 minute broadcast, and if by some chance you missed it (be careful with that, this is the WEATHER we are talking about), your next best bet was to call someone and ask "What was the 5 day outlook on Channel 29 Accu-cision Mega-Doppler 3000?", to which you would almost always get the same reply.

"I don't know. The kids were yelling and I missed it".

Ok, right about now, you, my faithful reader, are probably asking yourself if I am *really* going to pad out 500 words (give or take a few, I mean I'm not gonna start adding extra THEs just to flesh things out) all about the Weather Channel, something that is HARDLY new. Well the answer to that would be yes, because this thing just fascinates me.

It may seem like just another 24 hour a day, nothing but weather, cable channel to the rest of the world, but I think I have caught on to these people. You see, the local news has but a few scant minutes to be clear and accurate(ish) with the weather, and then they move on to things like sports or maybe a lighter story about a 4 year old kid in Iowa who grew a 700 pound radish, or maybe wish a happy birthday to Tilly MacTavish, who just turned 124 years old. But the weather channel needs you to KEEP WATCHING for more weather, and for that reason they play with our heads.

Let me paint a clearer picture for those of you still reading.

The Weather Channel is all about 2 words. The first of which is............

Panhandle.

Here I am, sitting in my living room in cozy and quaint Upstate New York, maybe gently caressing a cup of hot coffee, wearing grubby sweats and the sleep- matted hair on the top of my head looking like an area where a group of deer have laid down. Before I brave the elements and the trials and tribulations of my long day ahead.... well.......... I need to know what shoes to dig out of the closet. Will I need my ice cleats? Should I carry a medium-weight sweatshirt with me? Perhaps just a light wrap in case I am out after the sun goes down? These questions and a dozen others like them careen back and forth off the guardrails in my brain. So, the Weather Channel is the oracle I turn to.

"Good Morning and thank you for tuning into The Weather Channels coverage of Stormapalooza 2001. I'm Mindy Jo Colitis. This morning we'll be taking a look at that BIG killer storm that is racing like the hounds of hell up the east coast on an angry beeline to the small town of Norwich in Upstate New York. But before that, let's head south for a look at the Florida panhandle............."

It's always the damn panhandle. Who lives there? Does the President of Weather Channel Incorporated live down there, an angry and twisted despot that has sternly threatened his employees that if he doesn't know the weather EVERY 30 MINUTES that they will never work in cable weather services again, and will have to take their chances working for "HGTV" or, god help them, "Speedvision"? Why else this overwhelming desire to break away from big events to cover this small area of the country that nobody gives a wet slap about?

Maybe they are just fascinated by the word. Panhandle. Hmm, you know it *is* kind of a neat word, and fun to say too! That would help explain another Weather Channel observation..........

The other word they love to say is "Nor'easter". *That* is a fun word to say as well. For those of you that live in the southwest, Nor'easter is Finnish term that means, roughly translated, "cripes, I best buy a new shovel". But regardless of origin and meaning, the folks at the Weather Channel love saying it. You know when they are about to say it because roughly 2 to 3 words in their sentence before the term is uttered, you can see their eyes light up with child-like wonder, in anticipation of being the person that gets to utter the sacred word. I wonder if Mindy Jo and the rest of the staff at The Weather Channel write it into their contracts at bargaining time, that all employees of The Weather Channel get to say it so many times a year?

Regardless of the reason it is such a Weather Channel favorite, it has an effect on me much like Monty Python's "Knights who say Nee" had on all those foolhardy travelers who ventured into their cursed woods. It sends chills down my spine and fills my heart with horror and panic. The Nor'easter is coming, time to gather up Toto and the livestock and head into the basement.

It's been said "if you can't beat them, pretend to join them until you figure out a way to beat them", and so I believe I have a way to deal with the Weather Channel and it's siren-like allure and it's crack-like addiction..........

The Weather Channel Drinking Game.

The rules are simple, and any number of people can play. As you watch The Weather Channel, listen closely for the following terms.........

Panhandle.

Nor'easter.

Crotch.

When you hear one of these terms, you must be the first in the room to yell out "sphincter!" (which sounds silly, but let me tell you, as you get intoxicated it is a difficult word to say), thus forcing the other players to drink. Players must also listen for the Weather Channel expression "and now your local forecast, accurate and dependable from the Weather Channel", in which case they all scramble like mad for the snow shovel in the middle of the room, kicking and tearing like animals if need be. The one who emerges victorious with the shovel then has the right to choose who will shovel the driveway!!

Unless you play the solitaire version, which is basically just sitting and drinking, depressed because you can't go anywhere.

Tears are optional.

Rob (Torgo) Sedler

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