Break out the cookie-cutters, it's time to watch TV!
It never fails. When an original (?) idea is unleashed upon the general public, someone else always jumps on the band wagon. It happens with TV, with movies, you name it. Remember how "Volcano" and "Dante's Peak" hit the theaters at roughly the same time? Remember how "A Bugs Life" and "Antz", almost seemed like simultaneous releases? Remember how, after the success of "Animal House", 2 different TV networks tried in the same season to strike gold with College-Fraternity-Hijink-Hilarity sitcoms (and, I might add, failed miserably at it)?
Ok, so I am showing my age on that last one.
Well, things seldom change, and the other day I was relieved to see that television creators are still doing just that (don't go changing the world on me now, I like knowing what's around the corner).
Let's start by turning our televisions to the FOX Network. No Steve, that's Lifetime. Keep clicking...... there you go.
First up- THE CHAMBER.
The premise is so simple that it is brilliant. Don't know why I didn't come up with it myself. For years, people on gameshows have been answering BRUTALLY difficult questions, such as "On what 1970s TV series did a guy in a leather jacket say 'Heyyyyyyyy'?", and other such cranium-taxing queries. The contestants would then have to say the correct answer to win the Big Cash Prize, or trip to Arkansas, or share of ENRON stock, or whatever. Yet on each show, all of these contestants participated from comfort zones. "Remote Control" actually went as far as to let the contestants lay about in Lazy-Ass recliners and beds, until a bedsore lawsuit shut the show down after only 19 seasons.
That is what makes THE CHAMBER different. Sure the questions are still moronic and trivial, but now, the contestants are "tortured" in various levels of uncomfortable stinkiness, making each level more difficult. Flames lick at their faces as they are asked about the cast of "Golden Girls". Ice forms in their hair as they fight to remain conscious, and still name the omitted ingredient from the making of a Big Mac. They are spun upside-down. They are sprayed with gusts of air and water. The comfort zone is erased.
Dare you enter..... THE CHAMBER?!
Or should we just see what's on ABC? Ok Steve, grab that remote again. No, that's the iron, it won't work. Ok, you've got it now (he's such a child, that one).........
Tonight on ABC........ dare you sit in......... THE CHAIR!?!?
Taking a quick look under the microscope, we see that it's (get ready for this) basically the same show as THE CHAMBER. Yet in addition to all the other nasty tidbits of uncomfortable doom, now they've got huge snakes hanging over the contestants, and a few other ideas geared to make the unwashed masses change over from WWF wrestling and watch this big-network fun.
It's all bread and circuses, baby. Who said it's impossible to turn "A Clockwork Orange" into a game show?
So for the few of you that are still reading this and wondering where the hell I am going with it, it should be quite obvious what comes next. That's right, grab your cookie cutter and let's head to the drawing boards, it's time to create a new game show!
Please people, you HAD to have seen this coming.
Coming soon on CBS, it's........ THE BOX!!!!
Let's meet our contestants, Carl and Willie. Both contestants have 3 minutes to eat as much broccoli and cabbage as they can cram down their gullets. When the bell sounds (ting), they race to....... THE BOX!
Inside the old cardboard refrigerator box they go! Now, they will each be asked increasingly difficult questions about a variety of things, and with each round, another air-slit in the box is covered with duct-tape. As the question difficulty increases..... so does the flatulence! The first one to scream in horror and punch and claw his way out of THE BOX is OUT, and the other is declared the winner!
Don't even ask about the "lightning round". It involves pearl onions. 'Nuff said.
Heading over to NBC, it's......... THE DRAPES!
Are you brave enough to go behind THE DRAPES? Do you have the belly, the gut, the SACK, to go and stand behind the spooky, old, heavy drapes in Grandma's house, and answer questions about the cast of "Eight is Enough"? THE DRAPES are dirty, THE DRAPES are *dusty*, and no light can penetrate their air-sucking hide. Are you bold enough to make it to the final round, or will it be CURTAINS for you!?!?
What's the matter Steve? You changed that one pretty quickly. No mind, let's see what we've got over at UPN........
Coming this fall, from the same people that brought you "Tex-a-cution", and "Let's make a Sandwich", comes the next level in television game shows.........
THE BIG SLEEP!
The game is very simple. Our 3 contestants are asked a series of difficult questions, as they sit and listen to a dull, dry, slow, stuttering, lifeless speaker drone on and on and on, reading the fine print from insurance policies! You know, the kind of speaker who makes Ben Stein seem like Robin Williams with fire ants on his testicles. Each minute our contestants must drink a glass of wine, and the heat in the room is increased gradually! The competition is tough and the pace is wild, but in the end the last one awake is wheeled away with ten thousand dollars!
Go ahead, laugh. It's probably already in development.
But let's change that channel one last time, and see what's happening over at the WB network. What do you mean, you've never heard of it? Never mind, just cue it up. Ah, there we go.......
Are you brave enough to face........... THE STICK!?
The game is simple..... each contestant blah blah blah, sits in a chair blah blah blah, and must answer increasingly difficult blah blah blah, and coming closer and closer and CLOSER to them with each WRONG answer is..........
...uh, The Stick. Really now, you should have figured at least that much out.
But WHAT is that on the END of the stick?
Round 1.... dog poop!
Round 2.... a homeless person's underwear!!
Round 3.... old Band-Aids from the bottom of a swimming pool!!!! BWA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!
Whew. A commercial break. Thank God.
I suppose that's enough television viewing for one night. Mom always said too much of it was bad for my eyes anyway. Oh wait, there's a Pauly Shore movie on next. Must be they are making it a theme night! How can I possibly go to bed now?
Dr. Torgo