(sigh) Ok.
That's it.
I've *HAD* it.
So I'm pretty sure I can never get it again. (rimshot)
All kidding aside, I read something tonight that made me drop my head into my hands and make a weepy, forlorn "oh dear god" noise, shaking my head slowly from side to side in somewhat of a "why?........ why?........" motion. It was truly pathetic. You should have seen me.
What I read was an online banner advertisement that stated, and stated proudly, that the Ford Motor Company was introducing the 2002 Mercury Mountaineer. Ok, not Ford, Mercury Motors. Whatever. Let's not split hairs here.
For years I have pondered how car manufacturers can release cars for a certain year BEFORE the year has actually arrived. The 1999 models came out in 1998, the '85 models came out in '84, and I'm pretty sure that the '71 models came out in '66 (I was pretty young, I could be wrong). Is this possible? When movie makers show you an eye popping preview and they say "coming summer 2000", should I start calling the theaters for showtimes as soon as the ball drops in Time Square for 1999?
Ok, for clarity I'll state that today's date is December 26, 2000. Yes, yes, Santa was very good to me this year....... now quit changing the subject! So here in the year 2000, they are telling me that *I* can be the first one on my block to drive away in a TWO THOUSAND AND TWO Mercury Mountaineer? WEIRD!
There is only one way that this could be made at all possible.
Brace yourself, for this is going to change your life......
Henry Ford must have invented Time Travel.
Seriously, work with me on this. Picture the following scenario if you will. If you like, for effect, make it all hazy and misty, like you are peering back through the ages. Ok, here we go.......
Henry Ford, while replacing a headlight the size of George Forman's head, accidentally knocks over his toolbox onto his foot. He howls in pain, pitches backward, falls into a rift in time, and is thrust 20,000 years into the future, right at the precise moment when the man who *normally* would have invented time travel is about to test run his amazing new invention. With split second timing, the shriek of agony from Henry over his swollen toe, which started in his throat in one timeline and left his mouth in the future timeline, causes the so far unnamed inventor (I'll call him Carl, for just to give you a sharper mental picture of the scenario) to pitch over, clutching his chest. It's the classic stereotypical heart attack.
And so, Henry Ford, with a twinkle in his eye and a merry laugh in his throat, grabs up the machine, and whisks himself all over the space-time continuum, altering history everywhere he goes. In the end, he becomes the father of his own grandmother 3 times, and crash lands in the year 2000. As he hoses off the time-road film from his machine, he notices a 2002 Mercury Mountaineer wedged in the front grille of the time machine. And so, the 2002 Mountaineer, the SUV OF THE FUTURE, is here for us to enjoy today! NEAT!
Let's look at it's latest advancements in technology.........
More drink holders.
That's pretty much it.
Ok, ok, that's just ridiculous. There is no way that Henry Ford invented time travel. And I know this mainly because I know who *did* invent time travel.
Me.
I've watched my share of movies devoted to the subject, and looked at the pictures in many books concerning Time Travel, so I figure that many years down the road from now, when I am a wacky old coot in a silver jump suit (standard issue "future wear"), I should have no problems pulling it off (not the silver jump suit, the invention of Time Travel). I've got a sure fire way to prove it as well...........
What I am doing as I type this article, is I am writing the current date and the current time on a small piece of paper, along with my location on the planet, and I am going to put it in a safe place. Don't ask where, I can't tell you. That wouldn't be safe!! Now, years down the road, when my time machine is perfected, I will activate the contraption, traveling BACK in time to THIS precise moment in my own history. Once I am here, I will knock on my own front door, come in and greet myself, and tell myself how I did it all. It's perfect, and I should be knocking on the door..... right.......... about.....................
Ok, I obviously lost the piece of paper sometime between now and then.
I can't lie to you....... I probably didn't invent Time Travel, which is actually kind of cool because now when people call me an idiot, I can say to them that *I* have something in common with Henry Ford. Neither one of us invented time travel. Fine and dandy, but it still doesn't explain how that blasted 2002 Mountaineer got here.
But for argument's sake, let's just say I DID invent time travel.......... WHAT would I use it for? Would I use it for good, coming back in time to surgically remove Pauly Shore's vocal cords while he is still a baby? Or would I use it for evil, becoming a powerful television executive and putting "That 70s Show" on 6 nights a week? Have to think.
Think.... think...... think.......
Actually, I'd probably use it to satisfy my own curiosity. I think I'd come back to the mid-80s, and pull a dastardly switcheroo in the factory where they made the new formula COCA-COLA, and have all the *new* Coke cans go out with the same *old* Classic Coke in them. And when all of America (and parts of Canada) is up in arms about how they changed the formula of Coke (How dare they? I mean really now.), I would be able to chuckle under my breath, for *I* alone would know the secret truth, and that would be enough for me.
So is there a connection? Quite possibly. Maybe it's the COCA-COLA company that invents time travel! Ah *HA*! That would explain why each year vehicles come out with MORE AND MORE DRINK HOLDERS! EUREKA!!!!!!!!
Probably not.
Who the hell knows who the inventor of time travel will be? The only thing I know about time is that I pretty much just wasted a chunk of it. Much like Henry Ford and I, now you and I have something in common as well.
Dr. Torgo