Chekov: "Keptin, there eez a Klingon wessel decloaking to starboard!"

Kirk: "Again? (yawn) On screen."

A shimmering haze breaks the stillness of the void as a great, menacing Klingon Bird Of Prey decloaks (just as Chekov said) off the starboard side of the Enterprise. Kirk looks at it with little interest, it's a sight he's seen thousands of times.

Kirk: "(yawn)... Whoopie thrills, Mr. Chekov, blow the ship to smithereens and then send it's debris scattered to the four......Wait a minute! (Kirks attention perks up) There is something strange about that vessel! Spock what do you make of it?"

Spock, who until now has been leaning back at his station with his feet up, contemplating the existence of life on a small piece of lint he'd found in his pocket, looks up with interest, single eyebrow raised.

Spock: "Fascinating Captain. Instead of the symbols and markings normally found on a Klingon vessel's wings, this ship has some markings that are unknown even to a vastly superior intelligence such as myself. Computer! please identify strange symbols on Klingon vessel."

Computer: "Working. Symbol known as....Chemical symbol for lead. Symbol for the planet Saturn. Greek mythos symbol for chaos. Symbol used by excellent 20th Century band known as Blue Oyster Cult. Symbol for...

"Kirk: "Computer, what was that last one again?"

Computer: "Symbol used by excellent 20th Century band known as Blue Oyster Cult."

Kirk and Spock look at each other in confusion as they have many times before. The other bridge members look around at each other also, yet they don't say anything at this time since they don't get paid the big dollars Shatner and Nimoy do.

TO BE CONTINUED......

Uhura: "Captain, the Klingon vessel is hailing us."

Kirk: "On screen."

The viewscreen shifts from the external shot of the Klingon vessel to a shot of the Klingon bridge. The Captain is sitting in his bridge seat staring at Kirk with intense hatred. The song "Tattoo Vampire" is playing through the ship's speaker system at deafening volume levels. The rest of the crew is moshing and head-banging in time to the music, their long hair flaring out wildly around them. One Klingon crew member is playing air guitar on a ceremonial Klingon sword.

Klingon Captain: "Greetings Captain Kirk. I see we meet up in the vastness of space once again. I am Captain Kult of the Klingon vessel Plutonia."

Kirk: "You...Klingon...BASTARD! You killed my SON!"

Kult: (chuckle, chortle, giggle, laugh) " Ah Kirk. Still using that tired old line I see. But I have not the time to talk of old and forgotten movie lines, I come with a warning Kirk. Your ship has wandered into Klingon territory, you have 30 seconds to explain these actions or I will blow your ship, (gazes nonchalantly at fingernails) into a large hunk of twisted and charred metal." Insert ominous incidental music.

Kirk: Mr Sulu, explain to this...gentleman, that we are currently within the limits of Federation space and on course to some half-wit planet somewhere.

Sulu: (Looking embarrassed) "Uh, Sorry Captain, but I have taken the Enterprise into Klingon Space."

Kirk: "For.....God's sake Sulu.....why!?!?!?"

Sulu: (a look of serenity and peace across his face) "It was the Music, Sir. I picked up the Klingon's music off a subspace frequency. It was the most amazing music I'd ever heard captain. I had to bring her in for a closer inspection."

Kult: (mocking laughter) "You see Kirk, your own crew betrays you, you tiny little human. Now prepared to suffer my wrath! NOW!"

Upon command from the Klingon Captain, the bridge of the Enterprise is pummeled and bombarded by "Lips in the Hills", played at a volume level that could be heard all the way to Omicron Theta 3 (and that's pretty damn far away). Cut to exterior of ship. The Enterprise is weaving and bobbing as if pushed by mighty forces. Inside the crew is flailing around from side to side of the bridge like a bunch of idiots.

Scotty: "Shields failing Captain, She canna taka much more of this!"

McCoy: "My God Jim, listen to the sound of that music!"

Kirk: (worked up into a frenzy) "Fiend! Scoundrel! Dickweed! You'll pay for this attack!! Mr. Spock, bombard the Klingon vessel with the nastiest, most powerful music in the Starfleet database!!!"

Spock's fingers fly nimbly over the keys. A few seconds pass and suddenly the sounds of The Village People pour from the Enterprise's exterior speakers (a couple of cheap, tinny speakers in homemade unfinished plywood boxes). The Klingon ship is unaffected. Cut back to bridge of Enterprise, which is in flames. "Heavy Metal: Black & Silver" is now pounding the last of the Enterprises's shields into oblivion.

Kirk: (gasping his last breath) "Spock ...you...Idiot! You should have.....hit them.... with... the.... Manilow...."

Cut to exterior shot of Enterprise. It hangs silent and motionless for a second and then erupts in a million dollar shot of pyrotechnical special effects which rocks the Klingon Vessel back and forth. Cut to Klingon bridge. The Klingon Crew is holding lighters in the air and staring in amazement.

Klingon Crewman: "Wooooooo!! Hey Captain dude, great light show, man!"

Klingon Captain: "Yes Klingons, it IS a Warrior's music." He turns to a crewmember. "Helmsman, set course for planet Earth. This is the night we ride! The Earth has fallen due!"

And so the Klingon vessel cloaks itself and whisks away into the night, screaming through the blackness to an insignificant blue-green planet in the milky way. It's blaring engines drowned out by the pounding sounds of a little obscure band, removed from the very planet they are headed to many years before.

TO BE CONTINUED.......

Meanwhile, on the "supposedly destroyed" USS Enterprise, Kirk looks around at his badly damaged and tortured bridge.

Kirk: "My...God, Spock.....we're alive?"

Spock: "Precisely Captain, I used an ancient Earth device known as the "Sequel Convenience Modulator" to make it appear to the watchful eyes of the Klingons that we had actually been destroyed in part 2 of this episode, when in fact we are safe and sound and ready for another voyage in part 3. It is a technique that was widely used by the Television producers of the late 20th century. It is ironic however that the use of this amazing device would eventually wipe out their very existence.

Scotty: "I had my doubts about you Mr. Spock, but I must say yer a wee bit too crafty fer that contemptible Klingon scum.

Spock: "The very fact that you even had doubts Mr. Scott proves once again that while I am a logical thinking intellect with an amazing accumulation of knowledge and wisdom, you, are in fact, a nit."

Scotty: "Aye." Scotty wanders out of shot and takes a nap in a Jefferies tube somewhere.

Chekov: "Keptin, what about the Klingon wessel? Eet's headed for Earth bent on deestruction with that repugnant music of theirs. Shall I set an eentercept course for Earth?"

Kirk: "Never mind that Mr. Chekov, if they are using the raw, awesome power of that music to power their warp coil, we'll never catch them. No, Mr. Chekov...I've got...a grinchy idea...that just might save our sorry cans, and the Earth's! If this music of theirs is so powerful a force as to render the Federation Flagship helpless and floundering in a puddle of it's own shame and remorse, then... we... must get... our hands... on this band........... ourselves!" (da daaaa!)

Spock (consulting a cheap star trek "view master" type computer terminal): "According to the ship's computer, the band was lost from the music scene somewhere around the year 2000. They simply "disappeared" if you will, from the Earth entirely."

Sulu: "I'll bet the Klingons abducted the band and have them on their ship, the lucky bastar... I mean, the foul swine!"

Spock: "So the logical course of our mission is apparent Captain, get our hands on the band, and we get our hands on the weapon. But how will we get them away from the klingons?"

Kirk: (a look of extreme over-acting on his face) "Attention crew of the Starship Enterprise! We are going to attempt... time travel. We've done it in the past and raked it in at the box office, so it's got to work!"

McCoy: "Now wait just a damn minute! Time travel, with the Enterprise in this half blasted condition? Are you out of your mind Jim? I mean yeah, it's great in theory, get the Ship up to warp nine straight at the sun, drop it in reverse, pop the clutch, brake hard to the right and punch it, do it right and you travel through time, do it wrong and your ass is toast! Count me out Jim! I'm a simple country doctor, not Indiana freaking Jones!"

Kirk: "Shut your cake-hole Bones! Mr Spock, start your calculations for Time Travel. Our goal, The Blue Oyster Cult!"

TO BE CONTINUED...........

**** In our last episode, the crew of the Enterprise were about to attempt Time Travel to travel back in time (No duh!), and find the band Blue Oyster Cult, the most powerful and destructive force in the known universe, before those rotten-ass scummy Klingons.

Spock: "Captain, Time Travel coordinates have been entered into the computer, the coffee is on, and I think I'm receiving free Playboy channel off the main deflector array. Time Travel ready at your mark."

Kirk: "Just why do we say "mark"?

Sulu: "Engaging Warp, Captain!!!!"

Kirk: "Not yet, Suluuuuuuuuu....................." Sulu throws the switch and the Enterprise is hurtled forward at an unbelievable rate. Spock's coffee flies from his hand and hits his science station, which sends a shower of sparks arcing across the bridge. The Enterprise is straining at warp 8, damaged from it's battle with the Klingons.

Kirk: "Scotty! I need more power, we've got to get her up to at least warp 9 to successfully merge onto the Time Travel on-ramp."

Scotty: "Aye Captain, We'll beat those Klingon Devils, even if I have to get out and push!"

Kirk: "Great Idea Scotty, suit up immediately!"

Scotty: "But Captain, it was just an expression..."

Suddenly 2 Red shirted security guards grab Scotty and fling him towards the nearest airlock.

Spock: "Warp 8. 8.3, 8.7, 8.9, WARP 9."

Sulu throws the ship into reverse, pops the clutch, brakes hard right, directly into the sun........and everything goes.....white! Kirk and crew have strange and fascinating dreams while unconscious. Kirk dreams of large German bombers over a city in flames. Spock has visions of a piece of black glass being torn from the damp earth of a jungle floor. Sulu has thoughts of a demomic black sword mocking him. McCoy dreams of looking through a sinister telescope, only to discover himself gazing back. Chekov and Uhura have dark lustful thoughts of a large black dog in an icy cave. Scotty screams in panic as he hangs onto the warp nacelles at warp 9. And suddenly everything is back the way it was.

Kirk: (coming out of a deep sleep, too tired to even over-act) "Spock, where the hell are we?"

Spock: "I believe the question should be, `When the hell are we?'."

Sulu: "After the 17th sequel, I wondered, `Why the hell did we?'"

Spock: "We appear to be at the latter half of the 20th century. Wait a second Jim! Oh my God No!! Oh dear God, No, please please NO!!!!!"

Kirk: "My God Spock! Are you alright?"

Spock: (calming down) "Forgive me Captain, for a moment I thought we had arrived during the..... Disco Era." (Chekov begins to scream piercingly at this and must be escorted from the bridge.) "We appear to have arrived during the year 1995. But where?"

Sulu: "San Francisco. I was born there."

Suddenly a sign reading "Welcome to Atlanta" swings into view. Spock gives Sulu a neck pinch and begins to rifle through his wallet.

Uhura: "Captain, I'm picking up some sort of Public Address System Broadcast, and may I point out that this is probably the last line of mine in this episode."

Kirk: "On speaker!"

The speaker crackles a few times and suddenly a loud voice pours through the bridge......

Voice: "Atlanta Georgia! Are You ready to Rock and Roll? Well please welcome, from New York City.......... BLUE!, OYSTER!, CULT!!!!!!" (Ass-crankin' music fills the bridge)

Kirk: "That's..... it! Uhura, locate... the source of... the broadcast.. and... set course!"

TO BE CONTINUED.........

**** In our last episode, The happy campers aboard the Starship Enterprise found themselves time warped to 1995, outside an arena where Blue Oyster Cult has just taken the stage....

Sulu: (listening to Cult's opening song, "Take Me Away"): "Captain, listen to the intensity of that music. They are a rocking force of extraordinary magnitude. If the Klingons get their hands on this weapon before us....mankind is in for some serious ka-ka!"

Eric (on stage): "Strange shapes light up the night. Never see 'em though I hope I might. Don't ask if they are real. The men in black, their lips are sealed." (Bwaaa n'na na, na naaaa, naaa na na na na nanaaaa)

Uhura: "Captain! Klingon Bird of Prey decloaking!"

On the main viewscreen, a Klingon Bird of prey materializes. Even Spock has to admit it's pretty cool to watch.

Spock: "Fascinating. This ship bears the same call letters as the ship we encountered in our own time. However, this ship has the normal Klingon $100.00 Maaco paint job and not the Blue Oyster Cult symbols painted on it. We have arrived in time prior to the original Klingon abductors. It would appear that we have their asses now Captain.. in a logical sense, that is."

Kirk: "Spock, I need you to beam the band directly from the stage to transporter bay 2. If those Klingon screwheads get them before we do... well, that's already been covered. Scotty! Quit screwing around with the warp engines and get to transporter bay 2, pronto!"

Scotty (faintly): "Aye."

Spock begins powering up the transporters, pointed ears twitching in anticipation.

Spock: "Beaming band aboard...... now."

On stage, Eric and the gang are pumping the crowd into a rocking frenzy.

Eric: "I lift my eyes and say, c'mon take me away!"

Suddenly the band begins to glow with a light that never warms, all the while never missing a cranium-pounding beat. The heat from the stage nearly burns the crowds eyes out. They finally wink out of existence and disappear from stage. Buck's final guitar note could still be heard for several hours, slowly diminishing.....

Fan: "Whoa, awesome! BOC's best exit ever!"

Kirk: "Scotty, have we got them?"

Scotty: "Aye Captain! There be rockers here!"

Uhura: "Captain, our scans show that the Klingons have beamed several people aboard their vessel from an entirely different section of the city. They are powering up their engines for Time warp!"

Spock: "Interesting. It would appear that the Klingons each time chose a band at random, getting Blue Oyster Cult in one timeline and another band in this reality. One can only speculate which group they abducted this time (plot point). They may still very well have our nuts in a sling, Captain."

Kirk: "Spock, you've got the bridge, and don't screw up the seat and my mirrors this time! Bones, you're with me. Lets take a look at this "Blue Oyster Cult" and see what kind of people we are dealing with."

Kirk and McCoy exit the bridge via the turbolift. Spock and the rest of the crew begin playing Tetris on the main view screen. Chekov kicks everyone's ass at it.

TO BE CONTINUED.........

*** In our last episode, The Enterprise successfully managed to beam BOC aboard, while the Klingon's themselves beamed aboard a band whose identity is unknown at this time. Kirk and McCoy have gone down to the transporter room to meet BOC.

The transporter room doors slide open with a "thwip". McCoy and Kirk are immediately hit at point blank range with a rocking rendition of"Hot Rails To Hell" which sends Kirk's toupee flipping onto the corridor floor. McCoy claws helplessly at the door frame for purchase, only to get thrown against the corridor wall and tumble in a heap. Inside the transporter room, Scotty is cowering in a corner with his hands clamped over his ears, a look of wild-eyed horror on his face.

Kirk (yelling at ceiling): "Damn you Spock! You were supposed to beam just the band members, not the bloody instruments too!" Over the deafening volume of the music, Kirk faintly hears someone tell him to get bent.

Scotty: "Please Captain, I begged 'em ta stop that infernal racket, but that bearded one just leered at me and snickered. And that one with the cigarette, well he just scares the hell out of me and....and... Oh, bloody hell, I think me skulls gonna crack!"

Kirk (screaming over the noise in an intense fit of over-acting): "Band members, my name is Captain James T. Kirk of the Federation Starship Enterprise! I command you, as Captain of the Enterprise, to cease the playing of that music immediately!" (The band increases volume and goes right into "The Red and The Black") "Scotty, cut the power to their amps, now!"

Scotty throws a few switches which don't seem to do a whole hell of alot, looks at the band in annoyance and tries a few more. The music continues to blare and shriek.

Scotty: "Blasted music! Captain, we can't seem to cut the power to their instruments, they seem to be drawing their power from some unknown source! Everything we do to stop 'em just seems to encourage 'em even more!"

McCoy: "He's dead, Jim."

Upon hearing this, BOC stops playing, they look around at each other in confusion, shrug their shoulders and then go straight into "Wings Wetted Down."

Kirk: "Bones, what the hell did you say that for?"

McCoy: "Well dammit Jim, it's the sixth episode and I hadn't got to say it yet."

Suddenly the doors slide open and Spock steps in, a look of deep concentration on his face, or it could just be gas.

Spock: "Captain, I might suggest letting the band continue playing. Our engines are in rough shape from time travel and "someone" (he lifts an eyebrow in Scotty's direction) let the warp engines go over 3000 before changing the oil. Their pounding music, channeled through the warp core might be the only thing powerful enough to get us back into our own time stream."

Kirk: "Right. Scotty stay here and be ready to divert the bands power through the warp core on my command. Let them keep playing, but the first time they break into "Headin' out to Eden", I want them all shot!"

Scotty: "Aye Sir, The din they're puttin' out's better than that rubbish!"

Kirk: "Spock, Bones, you're with me. Lets see if we can catch up to those Klingon dickweeds and save the Earth without killing the overtime account!" Kirk and crew leave the room and head for the bridge. On the way there Spock and McCoy get into a shouting match over some mundane topic or another. Spock gives McCoy a Vulcan neck pinch, but Bones counters with an atomic wedgie and Kirk must eventually separate them. Other than that they reach the bridge without incident.

TO BE CONTINUED.........

*** In our last episode, Kirk and crew met BOC face to face. BOC refuses to stop jamming, even with Kirks constant begging and overacting. Kirk and crew now must get back into their own time stream once again....

Kirk, Spock and McCoy enter the bridge. As always, McCoy and Spock are at each others throats.

Uhura (to crew): "Captain on the bridge!"

McCoy is waving his hands in Spock's face, pestering him.

McCoy: "Is this bugging you? Is this bugging you? I'm not touching you."

Kirk: "Scotty! How's the band doing down there?" (Over the speaker come the sound of "Golden age of leather", in the background Scotty can faintly be heard shrieking.) "Spock, prepare calculations for Time Travel."

Spock: "We may have a problem Captain. On our trip back in time I did not take into consideration the extra body mass of the band members and their immense pile of sound and light equipment on the return trip. Nor did I take into consideration the extra power boost the bands music would be providing. We could emerge from the time warp in any time.....in any place. Given some extra time, I may have found away to blame all this on Dr. McCoy, but it seems I have failed in even that too. I'm afraid I am going to have to take..... a guess."

McCoy: "Dammit Spock, you green-blooded, subhuman, pointy-eared, lump of Romulan scat. Thanks to you I now have to worry about coming out of this 200 years past our targeted time...and with my head up Chekov's ass! I can't believe I didn't flush your kaatra when I had the chance!"

Spock: "Good Doctor. Would you kindly intercourse yourself."

Kirk: "Scotty, divert the bands power into the warp core on my command. Sulu, direct the Enterprise on a path towards the sun, and get ready with that neat warp trick we tried 4 episodes ago."

Sulu: "Aye Captain, on direct course with the sun and engaging impulse engines."

The Enterprise creeps closer and closer to the sun...

Kirk: "Not yet......"

(Golden age of leather is almost finished.)

Kirk: "Hold on Scotty...."

(The last chords are fading out.)

Kirk: "a little closer..."

(The band gets ready for another number.)

Kirk: "a.... little.... closer......"

(The Cult ready their instruments.)

Kirk: "NOW SCOTTY! NOW!"

The band chooses this moment to play "Debbie Denise". The warp engines sputter and fizzle.

Spock: "Mr. Scott, our engines require heavy tunes for Time Travel. We will not be able to break through the space/time continuum with songs such as this."

Scotty (Yelling at BOC): "What 'sa matter with ya, this is no time to be pushin' the filler material! We need RAW POWER and we need it now, damn ya!!!"

Blue Oyster Cult breaks into "ME 262" which sends the Enterprise lurching forward at warp 11, and sending crew and debris scattering around the bridge. Kirk is clinging to the rear of his seat, legs flailing out behind him.

Kirk (screaming over whine of warp engines): "MR. SULU!! HIT THE BREAKING THRUSTERS.......... NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Eric: "BOMBERS AT TWELVE O'CLOCK HIGH!" (Sulu punches it).

Once again, the Enterprise "winks" out of time.

TO BE CONTINUED............

**** In our last episode, the Enterprise successfully broke free from the past through Time and Space to emerge....... somewhere.

(We return now to the present)

An Alien space craft sits quietly with it's engines silent in what's known in space as the middle of nowhere. There isn't a star, planet, meteor, comet, or nebula around for light years. Two shadowy figures can be seen huddled together in the ship's darkness. It's windows are completely steamed up.

Male Alien: "Aw c'mon sweetie.... please?"

Female Alien (very annoyed): "NO! I know that's the only reason you brought me here. I bet we're not even really out of Dilithium, are we?"

Male Alien: "Aw please Honey, you know I wouldn't lie to you. I love you."

Female Alien: "My sister told me that you told her the same thing."

Male Alien: "You know your sister means nothing to me, honey. I'll love you 'till the end of our lives, or may the Great Zarquon strike me dead!"

Female Alien (FINALLY giving in): "Well you are kinda cute and all and........ what's that rumbling sound?"

The Enterprise comes screaming through a hole ripped savagely in the Space/Time Continuum, slams it's massive hull through the tiny Alien craft and sends it's atoms scattered throughout the cosmos. The Alien craft is obliterated, the Enterprise has a few minor scratches for Scotty to buff out.

Kirk (scanning the bridge): "Is everyone Ok? Spock, speak to me! (No answer) Sulu, where are you? (still no answer) Uhura, are you there?" (Kirk gets no reply, the entire bridge is empty.)

Kirk: "My god. I'm the only one left alive. I am the sole survivor."

Suddenly, the entire crew leap out at Kirk from behind their stations. Spock is holding a big cake.

Crew: "SURPRISE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...."

Kirk: "NOT NOW DAMMIT!!!! We've got to stop those pesky Klingons, once and for all. Mankind is depending on us once again people. (Kirk flops into his chair and puts his face in his hands) I'm getting too old for this shit."

Uhura: "Captain, Klingon Bird of Prey decloaking and powering up weapons! And YES, that is my only line!"

Kirk: "Shields up! Red Alert! Drop Fries!"

A Klingon warship decloaks...blah blah blah. On the main viewscreen, the scowling face of our story's villain, Captain Kult, appears suddenly.

Kult: "Greetings Captain Kirk. I see we meet up in the vastness of space once again. I am Captain Kult of the Klingon vessel Plutonia."

Kirk: "I already know who you are, Klingon loser! But we've beaten you at your own game this time! I'm not sure what band you are packing, but prepare to meet thy doom! We're armed with BLUE OYSTER CULT..... Cocked..... Locked..... and Ready 2 Rock!"

Kult (scowling and angry): "Well now Kirk, we've got a little surprise of our own for you. Prepare to meet OUR rocking forces Captain, and seal your fate forever! From Hell's heart I STAB at thee! With my Klingon pride I SPIT at thee!" (The Klingon Captain launches a mighty phlegmy loogie at Kirk, which hits the viewscreen and runs slowly downward.) "Let us dance one last time, Kirk!"

Kirk: "Groovy."

TO BE CONTINUED................

**** In our last episode, The Enterprise and the Klingon vessel are about to go into battle, the Enterprise packing BOC, the Klingons packing...... someone.....

Uhura: "Captain, Klingon Bird of Prey is powering up it's weapons!"

Kirk: "Shields up! Mr. Sulu, target the Klingon vessel's engines and await my command. Spock, any suggestions before I blatantly flex my masculinity?"

Spock (looking at computer) : "Fascinating Captain. I can't say for sure which band the Klingons have obtained, but their power makes the engines give off a strange sound, almost as if...."

Kirk: "No time for scientific crap now Spock, there's violence to be done! Scotty, divert the band's music through the forward phaser banks! Sulu, get..... ready..... and......FIRE!"

The Enterprise scatters a powerful volley of "I am the on you warned me of" full force into the hull of the Klingon vessel. The enemy ship rocks under the astounding power of the blast, scorching holes lie gaping in it's torn hull.

Captain Kult: "Dickweed! You will pay for this attack WITH... YOUR... LIFE... KIRK!!!!" (He shouts something to his officers in Klingon, which sounds like someone speaking German through a mouthful of splintery chicken bones. He turns back to Kirk.) "Now you DIE, mamma jamma! Kthuuk!"

From the Klingon photon tubes pours forth the sound of Milli Vanilli's "Girl you know it's true". The Enterprise is completely enveloped in a thick, green haze of pop stupidity. Chekov starts to scream and dives under his console. Sulu is blown backward from his seat, hits Spock and both are thrown into the open turbolift. Kirk hangs onto his seat, swallowing bile as it creeps up his throat from the sound of the"music".

Kirk: "Sulu, fire again!" (The Enterprise fires it's phasers, but even powered by BOC, it's beams cannot penetrate the green haze surrounding the ship. Quality music is overpowered by overblown marketing gimmick.) "My God Bones! What in the world have they hit us with? Is there no way to escape the wrath of this `Pop Putridness'?"

McCoy: "Those savages, even the scummy Romulans wouldn't have stooped to such levels. I'm afraid it's bad, Jim. There is no known antidote for `Lip-Sync Fever'! The Enterprise and her crew are doomed. We're dead, Jim."

Kirk: "I've got a trick or two left in me yet Bones. Scotty, have the band get ready with their final number. Sulu, prepare for `Emergency Plan D'!" (ominous music)

Sulu: "No Sir, Not `Emergency Plan D'! You can't mean it sir!"

Kirk: "I'm afraid so Sulu. I am forced into it. Better that than face a lifetime of that wretched music. I'm afraid I've got no other choice than to.......... Destroy The Enterprise!!!!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED.........

***** In our last episode, after being overcome by `Lip-Sync Fever' by an evil, green haze of Milli Vanilli music surrounding the Enterprise, Kirk decides he has no option but to destroy the ship.

The Turbolift doors open and Spock and Sulu tumble out.

Kirk: "Computer! Access Emergency Plan D, authorization Kirk, James Tiberius. Pin number 1492."

Computer: "Welcome to the USS Enterprise Self-Destruct sequence. Press 1, if you'd like the Enterprise to explode immediately. Press 2, for a delayed explosion. Remain on the line to speak with a Destruction Sequence Representative. Press the *, to repeat these options." (Kirk selects 2) BEEP!

Kirk: "Computer, set self-destruct sequence for 7 minutes. Code- 000 Destruct 0 Kaboom 00 Bang Boom 000"

Spock: "First officer's authorization, Spock. Code- 000 Gulp 0 whatever 00"

Kirk: "Begin countdown... (gazes around bridge for effect) ...NOW!"

Scotty: "Captain , I don't know what ya did up there, but BOC just went into one of the vilest soundin' songs I've ever heard in me life. Somethin' about Screaming Dustbusters or some such rubbish."

"Kirk: "Scotty, get up here immediately. The ship's going to self destruct."

Scotty: "Oh poopie." (Dashes to the bridge, leaving BOC behind.)

Kirk (To Sulu): "Get ready with Plan D, Sulu" (To Viewscreen): "Klingon Captain! We wish to surrender. Please send your entire crew foolishly....er I mean bravely over to board us."

(Meanwhile BOC is cranking out their song in the Transporter room)

Kult: "You silly human, I knew your band was no match for the might and power of the Klingon Empire. Prepare to be boarded Kirk. The Enterprise is MINE!!!"

(A crew of Klingon warriors begins to beam onto bridge)

Kirk: "Now Mr. Sulu...NOW!" (Sulu reaches down and grabs a little metal hammer on a chain, next to a small glass window which reads `Break Glass for Emergency Plan D'. He breaks the glass, then reaches inside and pushes a small red button.)

The Entire Bridge crew beams OFF the ship just as the Klingon warriors are beaming on. The senior officer, Gorp, looks around in confusion.

BOC: "ONE! Lucifer the Light"

Gorp: "There's no one here Captain, the bridge is empty."

BOC: "TWO! Lucifer the light"

Kult: "What?!?!?!"

BOC: "THREE! Lucifer the light"

Gorp: "The only sound aboard the ship is their band down in the transporter room, they seem to be counting."

BOC: "FOUR! Lucifer the Light"

Kult: "Let me hear it for myself."

BOC: "FIVE! Lucifer the light"

Kult: "You fools! Get out of there! It's gonna blow!"

BOC: "SIX! Lucifer the Light"

Gorp: "(gulp)"

BOC: "AND...............SEVEN!"

The Enterprise erupts in a torrent of Blue fire. Pieces of it's hull are scattered to the far corners of the milky way. Even Earth could see it and they are really in the boonies..... cosmically speaking.

Kirk: (materializing behind Klingon Captain): "Ok, You lousy Klingon scum, don't even turn around."

Captain Kult starts to sweat profusely and nervously starts singing "Why can't we be friends?". Kirk, in his disgust, vaporizes him with his phaser anyway, just for kicks.

Kirk: "I claim this ship in the name of the.... OH MY GOD, Spock!! Blue Oyster Cult was still on board!!!!"

TO BE CONTINUED.............

On the bridge of the Klingon Vessel Plutonia, Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, Doctor Leonard H. McCoy and all the people further down the credit list, stand glossy-eyed looking out the forward viewscreen. They watch on sadly as the last remaining fragments of their once proud ship, The USS Enterprise, burn away into rubbish in the yawning vortex of space. Spock points out only once that things in a vacuum cannot burn. Kirk elbows him in the ribs and he soon shuts up.

Kirk (looking on sadly): "My God Bones, what have I done?"

McCoy: "Oh, not much Jim. You took a Multi-Billion dollar piece of Ultra-high-tech equipment, treated it like your own personal plaything, carelessly let it slip into the hands of the Federation's most feared and ruthless enemy, and then blew it into a pile of worthless, twisted crap.... and all on a whim. Oh. not much."

Spock: "Captain, I realize that you are busy striking a dramatic pose for any on-looking Oscar people, but I must in fact point out to you that Blue Oyster Cult was still aboard that ship."

Scotty: "Those poor lads. Singin' and playin' their little hearts out like that, only to end up toasted by some trigger-happy idiot...... no offense, Captain."

Kirk: "Well, BOC and the Enterprise are gone. No sense in dwelling on it now. What I need now is a volunteer. May I remind you all that Milli Vanilli is still aboard this ship somewhere, and I'm going to give 5 days of R&R on Omicron Ceti III to the man...."

Uhura: "Or woman."

Kirk: "..Or woman, who finds them and has them put to death."

Uhura/ Scotty/ Sulu/ Chekov: "Yippeee." The four of them go skipping merrily off the bridge, leaving Kirk, Spock and McCoy. They stand for a while longer looking out at the burning Enterprise in silence. Suddenly Kirk speaks up.

Kirk: "You know, Spock, I can't help but wonder if somehow Blue Oyster Cult got off that ship at the last minute. Stranger things have happened to us before, that's for sure. But anyway, we've saved the known universe once again, haven't we?"

Spock: "Yes Captain....but what of The Cult?"

Kirk (nodding sadly in agreement): "But... what.. of...The Cult?"

The theme music picks up, the camera pans slowly away as the three officers stand and stare into the blackness of space.

Kirk's Voice: "Captains Log, Stardate....unknown. Our crew safe aboard the Klingon vessel "Plutonia", we are setting course for Starbase Ninja for some much needed rest. The crew has successfully found Milli Vanilli and placed them into the photon torpedo tubes. They will be fired into the nearest passing sun. Their muffled screams and banging is keeping the crew's morale high. But I can't help but wonder about another group, whose power and talent has gotten us all through some difficult times. I wonder if we will meet them again. Perhaps. Perhaps not. The will go down forever in Federation History as heroes, their demise shrouded in mystery. But shrouded in mystery is where they have always been in a way, and so it seems only fitting that they should dwell on there.... forever."

Written by: Robert "Torgo" Sedler
Produced by: Robert "Torgo" Sedler
Directed by: Robert "Torgo" Sedler
Executive Producer: Adrian Brevard (based loosely on his "Band Battles" idea.)
Original Soundtrack by: Blue Oyster Cult

Cast-
Kirk: Bill Shatner
Spock: Lenny Nimoy
McCoy: 'Forrest Kelly
Scotty: Jimbo Doohan
Sulu: Georgie Takai
Uhura: Nikki Nichols
Chekov: Big Walt Koenig
BOC: Themselves
Milli Vanilli: Not Themselves
Kult: Trace Beaulieu
Gorp: Frank Conniff
Computer Voice: Kathy Ireland

And don't forget.....

Coming This Summer to a Theater Near You.